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Broken News - Headlines from yester-month
| LIVE 8: Thousands of geriatric rock-ogling twunts descend on London park under the ridiculous pretext that this will end world poverty. Are you all fucking delusional? | |
| Bob Geldof manages to feed Hyde Park's 200,000-strong audience from a single loaf of bread | |
| Robert
Mugabe launches 'Death 8' concert in Harare. Thousands of revellers bulldozed
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Mugabe
yesterday, unaware that he |
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LIVE 8 Philadelphia: No music yet, Will Smith still explaining where Africa is, and why it shouldn't be bombed |
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| Blair "shitting bricks" over tuition fees crisis and Hutton enquiry, claims aide | |
| Thai bird flu symptoms: campness, cracking legs, fake tits, and nasal congestion | |
| US Democrats put forward retarded Bonobo Ape to challenge George fucking Bush for the White House | |
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Big Brother chav Jane Goody is a vomit-inducing talentless Orc, claims God |
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Jordan's plastic tits rampage through the Outback destroying 400 acres of Queensland Jungle, killing Ant & Dec |
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Ignorant
bigoted
twatcrack Robert Kilroy-Silk unrepentant
over new articles, 'All immigrants are murderers', and 'Bomb the Dog-eaters into the Stone Age' |
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Grandfather
Reinhard |
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| Hackney slum falls behind Paris, New York and Madrid in Olympic bid. Brits stunned | |
| Tony Blair has no intention of "hiding away" from Hutton enquiry, says his Mum before slamming the door in our faces | |
| British Spacecraft Beagle 2 finally pulls in late at Euston Station | |
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| JERUSALEM - Ariel Sharon and Palestinian PM Mahmoud Abbas to discuss road map to peace, atlas to friendship and schematic diagram to light brunch with small circle of friends at their bungalow near Torquay |
| British Spy 'Stakeknife' outed by papers, along with wife 'Bent fork' and children 'Salt cellar' and 'Meal-for-two platter' | |
| Brighton Pier catches fire for forty-eighth time this week, is damaged by third hurricane of year and has somehow unlocked supernatural portal to Hell | |
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'Everything's great in Iraq now' says new British Army spokesman Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf |
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Keith Richard's aging fetid cock falls off |
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West Ham relegated to France. "We're removing the town in bits and moving to Nantes" : tearful yob
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WAR!! `We didn't anticipate suicide attacks, expect Bears to shit in woods and whaddaya mean the Pope's Catholic?' claim Pentagon |
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| WAR!! US Marines kill gun-toting soldiers who weren't born in Surrey | |
WAR!! Brits destroy 2,000 strong tank convoy... no, it was 100 strong... wait... no, it was a dentist in a |
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Henry
(pictured) was nearly killed by RAF because radar |
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WAR!! Housewife in Michigan begins to have doubts about war in Iraq |
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| WAR!! Seeing as we're going after tyrants now, can we please invade Zimbabwe Tony? Tell George they've got untapped oil reserves | |
Mick Hucknall's political ambitions: "You need people who've achieved something in their lives." Well, you're ugly and ginger yet you've shagged a string of gorgeous women, so that must count for something
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WAR!! Basra and somewhere else liberated. 14 McDonalds and a pig abattoir built |
| WAR!! More British personnel killed by Americans in crashes and stray missiles as Iraqis watch impassively | |
| WAR!! 24 hour day officially extended to cram in further news coverage | |
| WAR!! More plain butch baritone female news correspondents sent to Gulf to scare the soldiers | |
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WAR!! Sporadic pockets of heathen dust monkeys refuse to lie down and let us enter |
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WAR!! Camp musical Chicago to storm the Oscars and wave a flag about
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Iraq: Violent un-elected mass murdering tyrant to "get away with it" unless someone can stop Bush |
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| Saddam's televised six points to disarmament: Dress up as a crack whore, play the spoons, do a Don Corleone impersonation, insult the French for an hour and a half, drink a pint of Kurd's urine and finally, sing `Do you really want to hurt me?' whilst being taken from behind by a camel wearing a George Dubya mask | |
Blair Crisis: his Mother and Father defect from parent relationship, own children leave room when he enters |
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"I'm not shaking your fucking hand, Dad" |
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Home Secretary David Blunkett to target yob culture after his dog gets pissed and sets fire to his house |
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Wall Street crashes into bridge
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Bush: 'War will bring peace to Middle East, cause a temperature drop in Hell and pave way for worlds first pig pilot' |
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FBI agents mistakenly arrest and torture little Ronnie Corbett for resembling a plane
"But I'm merely a jovial British gag man!" |
| Cannabis to be downgraded this Summer. Let's all go on a coke blitz and keep our fingers crossed | |
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North Koreans smack their children and shit on pavements |
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English Cricketers' "fucked up bunch of inept ballshy queers" claims small boy
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| 21 February 2003 | |
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London Congestion Charge: Stop whinging and buy a bicycle, you fat bastards |
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...and those of you who do pay a fiver a day to sit your massive arse in a leather seated Audi, try not to run me over in a fit of simple minded twat-headery |
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| Alex Ferguson sent to Gulf to kill people with nuclear football boots thrown in anger, sorry, kicked in 'freak of nature' incident | |
French newspaper Le Monde releases London edition with Blair's head stuck on a burning sheep with its hand down Bush's pants |
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Government urges under 16s to experiment with oral se... wait a minute, that happened
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| 14 February 2003 | |
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Gatwick Airport: One poxy grenade? Some fucking terrorist |
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| UK
Census: Jedi Temple to be built in Huddersfield/ West London to be renamed New New Zealand or Australia 2 |
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War on Terror: Wales 'added to Axis of Evil' |
Love is in the air unless you're single, so try not to feel overwhelmed by colossal feelings of loneliness and self pity as you sit at home in your underwear watching Ground Force whilst eating beans from a tin
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| 8 February 2003 | |
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Tony Blair runs into school playground hitting smaller kids and saying he can do whatever the fuck he wants |
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| WAR
IMMINENT!!! Have you decided what channel to watch it all on?
"War Shmaw. Have a grape! HA HA HAAA!!!" |
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'Darkie with beard looked at me funny' says right wing TV funnyman Jim Davidson |
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Michael Jackson attempts to enter Iraq to 'hug all the babies' - star shot dead at border
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| 3 February 2003 | |
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15 million tune in to watch Michael Jackson bark at the moon and piss on his carpet |
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| Zoë Ball dates mutant one-legged music industry bigwig dwarf | |
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Russian lesbian pop duo Tatu fuck goat live on stage in cynical marketing ploy |
| "Get
that little fucker, I've just had an idea" |
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| Pierce Brosnan "pompous, brow furrowing self-important cuntfuck" claims Archbishop | |
27 January 2003 |
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Derailed tube: Disruption may last "well into the latter part of 2007" |
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The band gather in their outdoor studio yesterday |
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| Saddam to seek asylum in Tunbridge Wells: "He is clearly fleeing from persecution" claim Immigration Officials | |
| Billy Joel "thought car could fly" says Hospital spokesman | |
| Men kick ball six times into opposing men's net covered wooden frame | |
24 January 2003 |
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'Italian' Al Qaeda found with map of London, pills and coke and guest pass to Turnmills |
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| "Hallo Liebling..." | |
| Tony Blair seen morphing into gigantic fire breathing Bush supporting kitten with Satanic horns | |
| Palestinian smiles at Jew in West Bank, Jew retaliates with friendly nod | |
| Today's
TV "worse than wanking into a bucket of shit" claims ghost of
Mary Whitehouse |
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| "Ah, Sergeant Bond, I've been expecting you." | |||
| PAEDOPHILE gang discovered working for Children's BBC disseminating propaganda | |||
| LESLIE Ash's new lips attack small child in park: Ash treated for shock, tells of being dragged along by mouth | |||
| STARBUCKS to open branch in underwater volcano on the Pacific Rim | |||
