|
Dr
Johanssen |
|
Investigates... |
|
M
a r i j u a n a |
|
Frequently Asked Questions
|
|
Marijuana
is once again in the news, probably, so our resident Sixties quack
throwback, Dr Rohan Johanssen, himself a lifelong fan of, erm, of
umm, uh... weed, answers your questions
|
 |
What
is marijuana? |
|
The dried leaves of the hemp plant of the genus Cannabis,
a mere little something that
grows out of the ground like so many other things such as trees and potatoes. Many people are advocates and
some refer to it, albeit erroneously, as a herb (although you should say that in
a Jamaican accent)
|
|
Who smokes
it?
|
|
Fucking
everyone, right? Important professionals like doctors and
lawyers do it. Even brothers to the heir
to the throne of England have been known to party, and everyone else right down to vacuous F-list celebrities, unskilled
labourers, spotty teenagers desperate to make that all-important first impression, and those with a
lot of time on their hands like to puff the reefer, man. |
|
How
long have
people
been
using
marijuana?
|
|
Oh good question,
even though I wrote it. Marijuana has been around since ancient times,
just like masturbation, sex, grunting, yawning and falling down
holes, so how can something as ancient as time, like theft and
murder, be bad?
Other marijuana users will tell you
that there is muchos evidensos of early man using the plant, but I reckon that these cavemen
also ate each other and maybe slept with monkeys, so I personally steer
clear of that particular hornet’s nest. |
|
Is marijuana
addictive?
|
|
No, it is not. Absolutely
motherfucking not. Not at all like hard drugs or even alcohol which
The Man keeps legal unlike The ‘erb, which is great fun and giggly.
You can only become 'psychologically dependent' to marijuana
which is brilliant and totally different to physical dependence,
which is the bad one.
Marijuana users will have a great time in their own minds, with high doses
inducing all the colours of
the rainbow while heightening your awareness of the rainforests and all the little deer in the woods. You will never talk rambling
nonsense and you are
unlikely to ever find yourself in a room full of arseholes lying on the floor fighting desperately to summon up the thought processes required to say the
words "I am well fucked, man."
Most marijuana users are moderate consumers who smoke it socially to relax and are nice people
to boot. Statistics tell us that 10% of our population have addictive
personalities so let's face it, they'd be doomed anyway seeing as they’re
already addicted to everything else. Am I right? |
|
What do the experts say?
|
|
Exactly
this, Jack ~ Sociologists
have reported a general pattern of
marijuana use that peaks in smokers' early adult years, followed by a period of
levelling off and then a gradual reduction in use, culminating in a lottery win in
their early fifties. |
|
Has
anyone
ever
died
from
smoking
marijuana?
|
|
No, not one single
case ever, unless - get this - a ten ton block of resin fell
on their head from a great height! Woah! Ten tons! That's a shitload! But yeah,
that's right. No deaths, e-v-e-r.
Of course, that doesn't count driving into walls while stoned,
or stabbing yourself repeatedly in the head with a Bowie knife
that users may have mistaken for a feather. Or perhaps drowning
in the River Avon as you temporarily thought you were Jesus. But
we're concentrating here on deaths as a direct outcome
of smoking marijuana. Stay with me on this one.
THC, the active ingredient of
cannabis, is one of the few chemicals for which there is no known
toxic amount. I have no idea what we can
extrapolate from this, so lets just say that dope ain't toxic,
m'kay? We are to conclude therefore, that not smoking cannabis makes you narrow minded and anal,
like, totally square.
Just look at this compelling evidence.
|
Cool percentage breakdown:
|
| Tobacco
smoking where no-one can see you |
46%
cool |
| Alcohol
drinking anywhere |
0%,
damn you |
| Drug
overdose (prescription)
|
Tres
non chic
|
| Drug
overdose (illegal)
|
A
bit better
|
| Marijuana
smoking
|
189%
fo' shizzle |
|
Source:
U.K. Government Bureau of Groovy Youth Statistics, 1997
|
|
Does marijuana
lead to
crime and/or
hard
drugs?
|
|
The only crime marijuana users commit is that they
use
marijuana, because short-sighted politicians who've told us for years that
it’s wrong will have to make an embarrassing U-turn if they legalise it so
they've kept it banned to
spare their blushes. Sadly, when I went to my regular dealer for my bi-weekly
quarter ounce of Northern Lights, he also tried selling me smack.
By keeping marijuana illegal, users are often thrust kicking and
screaming into the path of harder drugs they don't want. I was so
incensed on this occasion that I sat down and chased the dragon
with him until I calmed down. Then I went home for a smoke. Wasn't
the same though. Motherfucking politicians. |
|
Does marijuana
make
people
violent?
|
|
Again, no, except
during the Isle of Wight festival of 1969 where hundreds of stoned hippies broke
down the fences because they didn't want to pay. |
|
How
does
marijuana
affect
your
health?
|
|
Cannabis has always been used for medicinal purposes, such
as making thin people want to eat and for calming down football supporters. It’s bloody great fun.
If marijuana users have ever died from cancer, it’s because they’ve been mixing
their joints with tobacco, the fools, but that's because dope's illegal and thus too expensive to use freely.
If you should ever
fall prey to paranoia, unease or general confusion, DON’T BLAME THE DRUG!
IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR NOT BEING IN THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND!!! Just chill out and sit somewhere where you feel comfortable, telling yourself that
you’re ok, you’re ok, don’t worry, it must’ve been some
ultra-virulent strain of Dutch skunk that bloke from this party gave you, right? Just
calm down and listen to the music in the next
room, and has that high-hat really been crashing away continually for over two
hours, or is it just looping over and over and over in your head???
Oh don’t think about that, and try not to dwell on those scary thoughts of losing
control and feelings of terror. They should vanish in a few hours hopefully,
won't they? Oh sweet baby Jesus, please don't let this be permanent... hey
wait, fancy a Ribena? Uh, how about a Kit Kat? Not Kit-e-Kat, the cat food, tee
hee hee, ha ha hee hee hee heeeee, ooh, my sides, a-hahahahahaaa! Oooh yeah, a nice Kit Kat,
perhaps a cold one from the fridge, where the fingers crack apart deliciously,
and that wafer inside, mmmmm yeah. But doesn't that mean getting up from your foetal
position inside this wardrobe and having to talk to the other people outside? You
may even have to walk to the all-night garage two miles away. Can’t do it, can
you, you fuck.
In conclusion, pot
rocks, so party on dudes.
|
|
