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Dr
Johanssen |
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Investigates... |
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S
e x |
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Your
Questions Answered
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‘SEX’
and related internet queries such as ‘dwarf fucking’ account for
the majority of searches undertaken on the worldwide web. To exploit
this and get millions of desperate perverts waltzing over here, we asked readers to submit
their questions to Dr Rohan
Johanssen’s superior girth-o-brain.
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What
is sex?
(Dwayne, Ohio) |
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Sex
is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it but everybody
should. Sex is natural, sex is fun, but one the whole I would
argue that sex is best when it's one on one. |
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How
long have people been having sex? (Jason, Malaysia) |
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People have been having sex for as long as
there have been other people, or at least holes and twigs. Unless
of course you meant the actual time spent having sex in the last three million years or so, in which
case the answer is something like twelve seconds per shafting
(even less in Italy). |
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My
son is fourteen and shows
no interest in the opposite sex. I was teasing him recently and
asked when he thought he'd get married, but he became very coy
and flustered. I was wondering then, what is the best way to
dispose of a corpse without detection? (William, Guildford) |
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I
think you may be jumping to conclusions here William. It is
perfectly normal for a boy of your son’s age to be shy about
these matters just as his hormones kick in and turn his face
into a putrid festering mush when he needs his looks the most.
The fact is that William will probably grow up to be one of
those solid dependable heterosexual types, the kind we have
working for the AA or serving Queen and country in the British
army. Of course, he may be trying to come to terms with the fact
that he actually wants to wrestle naked with muscle-bound men,
just like they do in the AA and the British army, so it’s
anyone’s guess. I would recommend watching hardcore
pornography with him while you stare intently at his crotch to
see if he becomes aroused. This will also strengthen the
father-son bond, and won’t in any way be inappropriate and
disturbing, or stunt his healthy development.
Failing
that, chuck him in a shallow grave and place hundreds of tons of
concrete on top of him. Building sites will be your best bet. |
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How
can my husband and I spice up our sex life? (Edna, Perth) |
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This
is like asking everyone on the planet, “What’s your
favourite sandwich?” Answers will vary wildly. “Dog sandwich” may be a popular response in
Korea, but would rightly repulse a Frenchman who would prefer a
horse sandwich followed by rough group sex, preferably with married
women only. Ask yourself, “What do I like, and how can it be
enhanced?” For example, you may like very physical sex, so
perhaps you could experiment by dripping candle wax on your
nipples, then progressing on to introducing starved
grease-covered rats with long pointy claws to your rectum.
The
thing to remember is that sex covers two key areas. Firstly and
chiefly, it is a means of procreation and secondly, it is an
extremely pleasurable and loving experience. Perhaps you could
avoid the pitfalls of the first area and enhance the second by
holding a bukkake evening. Your husband could invite, say,
thirty or forty of his closest friends round. They could all
roger you senseless, then line up and jizz all over you until it
looks like you’ve accidentally knocked a bucket of wallpaper
paste over your head.
If
you’d rather take things one step at a time, perhaps your
husband could teabag you, or flip you flapwards and slip you
some chocolate fudge. He could always give you a Hot George,
or strip your Volvo in the Damp Garage. Try also Invading Rome
by the backdoor, or laying Lead Piping under the Hairy
Floorboards, but make sure you put newspaper on your carpet
first.
Remember,
you are only limited by your imagination and the law. |
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I
absolutely adore my new wife. After months of
deliberating, I asked her if she could make my fantasy of
urinating on her come true. She was reluctant at first but one
night we got drunk and she let me. Now I'd like to shit in her
hair. Should I just ask her again? (Charles, London)
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Probably
best not to. Women can be funny about that kind of thing. |
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I
have an allergic reaction to the spermicide on condoms. Is it
true that you can avoid accidental pregnancies solely using the
withdrawal method?
(Anon) |
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Yep,
every time. It's foolproof. Bang away 'til you feel the vinegar
strokes approaching, then swiftly remove your old chap and
spluff onto the carpet.
Be careful that she doesn't stand over the puddle as the fumes
could still impregnate her.
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I've
heard that it is impossible to get pregnant having sex standing
up. Is this true? (Sean,
Edinburgh) |
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Yeah,
makes sense. |
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