Looking for love? Seeking a companion? Yearning for a soul-mate? Do you want someone to hug? Someone to wipe away the tears or laugh at your jokes, to be there for the good times and help you through the bad?  Someone to tell you that you’re amazing, they love you, they want you, they need you?

Don't fucking bother.

At HATELINE™ we put you in touch with the recently split and newly bereft. Meet likeminded people full of self-loathing and empty despair. Drink vats of alcohol and fall into the single abyss together, complaining to one another about the should-have-been’s and the if-only’s. Drunkenly fumble and rebound with bitter, hate-filled people like YOU.

For a mere £1,999.99 (limited introductory offer), we will put you in touch with up to a dozen broken-hearted whingers and provide enough booze and crack as is necessary to dull the pain and relentless mindnumbing sense of total abject failure.
Register now and receive your complimentary CD featuring ‘Without You’ and ‘I'm All Out Of Love’ by Air Supply, Celine Dion’s cover of ‘All by myself’, Edith Piaf's entire back catalogue, and the finest Death-Rapping from Brooklyn.
Name ________________________________________________________________________________
Address ________________________________________________________________________________
Age __________ Nationality _________________   Occupation ___________________________
Weight of your corpse ___________________________ Favourite gun _________________________
Amount you would consider yourself spasmatized by previous relationships (in newtons)

___________________ N 

Kindly fill out the rest of the form below, deleting as applicable

I am a man/ woman recently parted from a man/ woman

 I would like the same old shit/ different shit

I appear: Happy and confident
Quiet and detached
Fearful and jumpy
Disturbingly over-excited and manic
Showing specific signs of developing multiple personality disorder & low level psychosis
I am actually: Quite happy
Unhappy
Afraid
Suicidal
Plotting Revenge
Desperate for anything woman borne including anything within the food chain, and pets
Slowly and rhythmically sharpening this meat cleaver for twelve days now
My last relationship left me: Composed and optimistic
Reflective yet insecure
Tortured by self doubt and loathing
Dead inside, as if I've been stuck in a hut in the Isle of Wight listening to nothing but Nick Cave for eight consecutive years as armies of lepers slowly peel the skin off my weak bones in an act of non-specific contrition
I want to: Cry a lot
Take solace in the familiarity of the lives of others
Complain about life to a complete stranger in the same boat
Have random meaningless sex very very soon
Meet someone in the hope that we’ll become the next Fred and Rosemary West

Thank you for taking the time to apply to HATELINE™.  Your miserable future starts now!

Please note that your forms will be used for us to laugh at
What others have said about HATELINE™:

“Hug-ug-ug-huuug-ug-erk” ~ Steve, Devon
“Nng, nng, nng, nng. Nnnng” ~ Barbara, Whitstable
“Jim Davidson really is a first rate comedian” ~ Elspeth, London
“And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me, etc” ~ Michael, Swansea

 

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