CALLING ALL GRADUATES!

You done getting drunk and stoned and trying to shag everything that moves? Then welcome to the rat-race.
No, we don’t care about your degree. It counts for fuck-all. Now here’s £2 an hour. Shut up and make me a sandwich.

CALLING ALL SCHOOL LEAVERS!

Want to make the nice boss a sandwich? Erm, sorry, you’ll need a degree for that.

LEGAL WRITER

BIBBETY BOBBETY BOO, SOLICITORS

Dull, overpaid position available at a legal institution for fat grey-haired dullards, the kind you see huffing over paperwork on the train at eight in the morning. You must have at least ten years experience in legal management, be divorced, and act slightly awkward in front of our nubile female secretaries. Ability to enjoy a scotch or three every night before commuting home is useful but not vital to the post. A slightly nervous laugh is important, as is the ability to unconsciously create rumours among our staff that you're into Scat porn.

c.£55,000 + profit share

HUMAN RESOURCES ASSISTANT

NIKELSON BAXTER BEDOUIN DUST

A vacancy has arisen in our HR department for a HUMOURLESS SPINSTER FUSSPOT to wear unattractive flowery blouses and snap at other members of staff. The ideal candidate must be simpering and coy around the HR Director, and universally hated by all except the boss who can never see what all the fuss is about. You will play a key role in making everyone feel uncomfortable as soon as you walk into a room. Preference will be given to women who hang their glasses around their necks with a bit of string, and have a vomit inducing dark moustache.

£17,000 PA
Cheam

FACILITIES CO-ORDINATOR

BENDING GREENE INC

We are looking for a loud and bubbly co-ordinator for our facilities department. The candidate must be an outrageous flirt, and ideally will laugh at everything so our managers can pretend they’re still young, funny and virile. Please note that due to the high number of responses we can only consider girls who are too fat to be wearing thongs that stretch eye-wateringly high up their chuffs while wearing inappropriate midriff t-shirts in all seasons, yet still leave male staff with the overall impression that “you would though, wouldn’t you?” Willingness to admit to lesbian dalliances whilst drunk also a bonus.

£15,228 plus benefits
Manchester

DANISH BAG CENTRE

Man with facial tick wanted to make people uncomfortable.

Must smell of onions.

£23,373 pro rata including inner London weighting

WINSTANLEY DECORATIVES

A pleasant opening has arisen for a camp young man to squeal with delight at the merest provocation. The female staff must love you to bits, and you must have an interest in footballers’ legs, Kylie, and Geoff from Accounts.

No ‘bitchy’ queens, please.

£15,470 plus benefits.  

YOUR IDEAL JOB IS RIGHT HERE!

We want YOU to work with us for a staggeringly good wage. This position is something you can do, and it’ll interest you a hell of a lot. In fact it’s so much fun, it’ll barely feel like work!!! We’re a happy relaxed gang here, and you'll fit in just great. Hey, we’re only twenty minutes from your house as well! All you really want from a job, plus a generous pension scheme, excellent healthcare, unusually long paid holiday, oh, and a Lexus. We will need you to visit our New York offices a couple of times a year but don’t worry, it’s only for a week or two, all expenses paid at the Five-star Carlton Hotel, only really to catch up with our American subsidiary and send a couple of emails home. We’ll turn a blind eye to your partner joining you, and you’ll have so much time on your hands, you’re probably better off going shopping on Fifth Avenue all day anyway.

Ah, by the way, you will need at least fifteen years experience in something you don’t have. Sorry about that. You can still apply if you want, but we’ll only bin it. Oh stop blubbing. I hear McDonalds need cow-tippers, so it’s not all bad news.

ARE YOU...

a deviant, selfish, arrogant, unscrupulous, sexually depraved, egotistical, power crazed, greedy, war-mongering, wife-cheating, hooker-sleeping, useless corpulent hypocritical festering mucus cyst on the blubbering lip of the child of Life? Great, we need a new candidate to stand as MP for Uttoxeter West.

The Conservative Party, 25 Victoria Street, London, SW1H 0DL

VILLAGE IDIOT REQUIRED

Must wear seven layers of clothing and a hat during the long summer months while babbling at passers by about noisy cars and Tixylix.

Apply to Officer Dibble at Kirklees Metropolitan Council, Civic Centre, 3
Market Street, Huddersfield, HD1 1WG

RUNNERS NEEDED

TELEZEST

Have you got boundless, contagious energy? Are you as creative as Picasso and more entrepreneurial than Branson? Are you prepared to have the very fibre of your being ripped to exhaustive bitter shreds as you get your hands dirty working long, sleep-deprived hours in the vibrant, exciting, coked up, shallow world of the Media, consoling yourself day after day that “I’m here, I’m in, I’m on the first rung of the ladder” when in fact we think less of you than a GI does of a petrified Iraqi whose head is being pinned down by a filthy sand-covered US Army boot? Then TeleZest needs to hear from you. We want to exploit the limitless enthusiasm of literally thousands of gullible graduates from across the UK and beyond. Our toilets are filthy. We’re running out of ideas and we need free ones. Where’s my fucking tea, you unfashionable little runt?

Send your naively whimsical CVs and cash-only bribes to Cecelia Bounds-Green, Telezest, 19 Golden Square, Soho, London W1 or email exploitativebastards@telezest.co.uk.

Remember that although we are offering bone crushing humiliation for six grand a year, the job will actually be given to those prepared to work for nothing. Priority given to senior managements' relatives who will of course start at the top, regardless of age and inexperience.

No disableds.  

ARCHER COMMUNICATIONS

requires a bubbly secretary with big tits. Typing skills desirable but not essential.

£16,000 PA

FLAILING WILDLY & HYPER-VENTILATING

Unbearable sex pest needed at our progressive company to drool at the girls in marketing.

We have a position for a sleazy young man who thinks he’s god’s gift to women to pester and harass anyone with breasts. Older senior members of staff must feel flattered by your attentions so they will largely ignore the protestations of the younger women of the office when they come to complain. An ability not to take no for an answer will be an advantage, as will an aptitude for following women into the toilet, sending sexually explicit emails to them on an hourly basis, and arranging at least three dates per day with office staff too new or naïve to know better. The successful applicant must be arrogant and boastful to the other men in the company at all times.

£18,000 PA

DULL DULL DULL & DULL

We are looking for a dynamic, enthusiastic and charismatic self-starter with masses of ideas and buckets of passion. You must be of exceptional calibre, dedicating every single hour of the day and night to your unswerving loyalty, never questioning, never criticizing. You must dedicate your life’s blood to your work and your career. You will only feel comfortable in the confines of your office and your only friends will be us. You will be incapable of talking, thinking or even dreaming about anything other than your job. You will slit your wrists for the good of the company if it has been so ordained. You are vacuous, boring, greedy, and completely oblivious to the concept of enjoying life. You cannot be bargained with, you cannot be reasoned with. You don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And you absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

£43,462 OTE